Annoyed

So today I wrote you 20 mintues, yes a bonus, of brilliance and in a single key stroke it's gone.

And the words were so very hard to come by today.

It's why it's a challenge.

Set the clock. Begin again.

Something new this time.

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One day it will happen, or so I imagine. We'll spend the day together. We'll reminisce. We'll reconnect. We'll remember why we were close years and years ago. We'll share laughs and warm sun, perhaps the ocean. Water always makes life better. Sand and a beach, barefoot and sunburnt. The food will have been wonderful. Filling and tasty and light all at once. Fresh.

Everything about the day, warm and smiling.

By evening, we'll share another meal. A dinner. More serious. Darker, simply because darkness is falling upon us. It will still be warm. There will be rich wine. A fire. Our conversations will wind around back on us.

We will be both young again and old all at once. Our lives stretching into each others. Trying to connect where the gaps tore it open. We each have questions only the other can answer.

They will be honest and tender because we were then.

Not because we are now.

Our lives now are pieces dealt out all around us. We try hard to play them in a winning hand. Sometimes we do. Often it is all a bluff. No chips on the table.

But only in this moment does it seem this way. When the lights snap on and we say our good byes, when we walk back into our lives, we know we are holding winning hands. We know our lives turned out exactly the way they were meant to be. We know we are living the lives we were called to live.

For a moment though, before the quiet flame of the fire, we are kids again, chasing the fantasy of what life could be, of what life will be.

We are gentle with the truth, sensing how it made us who we are. We are gentle with today's truth, the reasons we're still seeking to have each other play a part in the today, and yet with answers now spoken, we know it's over. The long conversation ended.

A dream half dreamt that won't come true for that very reason. If the conversation is had, the questions spoken aloud, answers given in hushed voices, then there is no reason to continue on. And there is a part of us that enjoys those relationship mysteries. Shared history without all the pieces. A little fuzziness on both sides leaves everyone with warmth and the power to over look and slights of decades past.

What was lost was better. A shame it always goes that way.