She stared at the envelope lying on the counter. She knew she should open it. she knew that eventually she would have to open it. The answer was inside.
In a way it felt like the key to her future was inside that envelope. Decided by someone else. Someone who didn't even know her. But isn't that just the way this life runs? Someone outside yourself holds all the power.
She knew it wasn't true. What ever was inside that envelope had no real power over her. It just felt that way.
In her mind she knew that this envelope was just a step on the journey or maybe a stop on the journey, but the journey would continue either way. She wasn't going to stand still and stop living if the answer inside the evelope was no. She had made that promise to herself long ago.
She did know, though, that if the answer was no, there was a lot harder road to travel in front of her than if it said yes.
Yes was power. Yes would open doors to opportunities she had only day dreamed about.
No meant climbing all those hurdles again. Walking that rough road.
Yes meant a step in the right direction. It meant she would be able to stop doubting herself for a few moments. She would be able to start believing that it was a valid dream to chase. Yes meant she could secretly say "I told you so." to all those people in her life that laughed in her face when she got brave enough to reveal her dream.
No was a slap in the face. It was the ringing laughter in her ears of all those long forgotten people who told her she'd never be anything in this life. It was a confirmation of the drudgery of the daily grind she was living and the statement that she really should never be expecting anything but the average out of her own life. No meant that there would be no extraordinary moments in her life. No one would ever marvel at her or her life in a good way. They would marvel, to be sure, but in the same way that a person of wealth marvels at squalor.
Yes would be the kick in the pants to begin the process of full out pursuit of a dream long ago hung out to dry in the summer sun on the back portch, forgotten like old flowers and rusted tractors. Yes would mean a justification of all that time wasted over the years. Yes would mean someday she would be someone.
She knew she was someone with out the dream come true in her life, she did, but still, somewhere in her heart, she really wanted that envelope to hold a yes. She just didn't feel as valid without someone, the world really, validating her. Greedy, she knew it. But that's just the truth of what was in her heart, but at the same time, she wasn't really willing to sell her soul to gain that validation.
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