#230

But from the moment he put pen to paper he knew he was changing a life, maybe many lives. He knew telling his story, even bit by bit would save someone. It would help.

Maybe it would simply be helping him. Feeding his need for his story to become truth. It was truth after all, his truth, but something about putting black words down on white paper made it seem more permanent.

He also knew telling his story would not be easy. There were parts of the tale he wrote and crossed out, not yet ready for the whole world to see. He, himself, not yet ready to read those words poured out from his heart, spilled on the page. Some things even he cannot look in the eye yet. The day will come, but today is not now.

There were pages that made him shake, pages that brought smiles. There were pages that brought back all the warmth of a beautiful life moment. There were words that tore and ripped like glass on skin. There were pieces of his story that brought tears. Parts that made his hands sweat and shake.

There were words that drove him from the table, from the task. He would be forced to put his pen down and walk away from it all for a while.

Standing at the kitchen counter, pouring a glass in the fading light of spring evenings, he knows it's time.

Time to tell the tale.

He swallows. Holds the glass close to his chest, stares out the window, seeing the past, a memory.

In his mind she is standing before him. She held the key. Or at least part of the key. She was the beginning of the end and the beginning of the beginning.

He loved her as much as he was ever able to do. But it wasn't enough. For either of them.

He knew it long before she did. If he's truly honest, he knew before it even began with her.

They met through mutual friends. They dated. All the standard dates. Dancing. Dinner. Sweet notes. Walks. Movies. Beautiful conversations.

She had gentle but deep eyes. They were always searching. Trying to pull out a part of his soul. The thing was, he wasn't going to give that to her. It wasn't her fault. Or his. He just wasn't going to be giving it over.

Her heart was young, naive. She was falling in love with him. He could see it. He couldn't stop it. She kept falling deeper and deeper.

There had to be a way out. But so much of them, of the couple that was them, wasn't really love, but a true, deep and pure friendship. She was getting it all confused though.

In spite of the signs he thought he was giving, she was falling.

He desperately wanted her to pull the plug. He wanted her to suddenly realize that it wasn't going to work out between them. But he wanted it to be in a way that wouldn't hurt her.

Although he wasn't in love with her, he loved her. She was special in his life, close to him, even though he would not share everything with her. Even though she would wonder what he was holding back.

Between them it came to be too close to truth.

Perhaps he would burn the pages and never tell this tale after all.